The Other “F” Word – Bran Brand Bombs

Please - no bran today!  I beg of you.

Please! No bran today. I beg of you.

I always watch my blog statistics to see what people are interested in reading.  Appears Farts are leading the interest of our intellect craving nation, well, other than sex.  Today’s commentary has to do with the inappropriate branding and nutrition information of cereals that have fiber as an ingredient.  There needs to a rating on each box on the fart bombs the cereal might produce.  The rating scale should be from FF1 to FF5. This may sound very similar to the Fujita Tornado Damage Scale,  but it is actually the Flatulence Flatline Scale.  The scale at which the human generated hydrogen sulfide gas content can actually kill you. We have not tested, nor plan to test wind speeds. Should you ever see a text message that includes this acronym; WTFF5, please come to that person’s rescue immediately.  I love how environmentalists blame methane on cows. The poor bovines weren’t eating human processed fiber foods.

Cereal should also be titled appropriately. For example, a cereal named “Cracklin Fart Bran” is certainly more informative.  Hey, we all love cracklin farts, which only rank an FF1. You may think this sounds absurd and childishly silly.  Those who are in their 20’s don’t need fiber; they just need love, energy drinks, tattoos and sex to survive, now that’s silly.  Let me tell you, a day is coming where you and fiber will become intimate friends.  This brings me to one of my favorites – Fiber One.  I love this breakfast bar brand, but my wife believes it should be branded – Fiber OMG, WTFF5, Run For The Hills Bran Bomb.  These potent bars are FF5 capable, trust me.  You want a sandy beach to yourself?  Eat a box before venturing onto the beach.  Add lots of water, the hot sun, and presto! Empty beach.  Oh and be sure to have a dog or cow on standby to lay blame, if they are still standing, and a port-o-pottie.

Here is my idea of the top 10 brands that need rebranding and the appropriate FF bomb disclosure:

  1. Coo Coo for Cocoa Poots – FF1
  2. Fruit Loopy Toots – FF1
  3. Captain Crunchy Colon Cleanser – FF2
  4. Captain Crunchy Colon Cleanser with PushBerries and Peanut Butter – FF3
  5. Trixx’s Bran Bomb – Requires finger pulling for FF scale meter reader. Watch out, it can be trixxy.
  6. Cracklin Fart Bran – FF1
  7. Raisin Bran Bombs – FF5
  8. Raisin Bran and Nuts Bombs – FF5+
  9. Raisin Bran Multi-Grain and Nuts Bombs – FF5 Turbo+
  10. All Bran Bombs – (FF Nuclear Option)

Now there’s not just cereal, but there are also bars and toaster tarts:

  1. Popfarts – FF1
  2. Fartnation Instant Fodder Bars – FF3
  3. Nutri-Nuclear Grains Bar – (FF Nuclear Option in a Bar)
  4. Fiber One Triple Flutter Bars – FF5
  5. Quakering Oats Breakfast Bars – FF5
  6. Natures Foggy Valley Total Grain Explosion Bars – FF5, 10th power of F.

As you can see you have options, especially for a wife who has “Broken the Barrier.”  If you open the pantry and see old-fashioned Oatmeal or Cream of Wheat, you are safe for now.  No one ever died from an FF1 food source.  But should you start noticing a shelf dedicated to Fiber One Triple Flutter Bars, just know your wife is seeking revenge.  Whoever said women were the milder and meeker sex should be shot.  For three decades my wife insisted she did not fart, she only tooted.  When I suspected a toot she just blamed it on our dogs.  Funny, I just noticed we have always had dogs.  But today, the jig is up!  In the back of the pantry I found her secret – Willy Wonkers Wheatie Wafting Wafers, a definite FF5 candidate.  Add whole milk and you create a new gas – H2OMG.

Please.  Not Willy Wonkers Wafting Wafers!  I beg of you.

Please!!! Not Willy Wonkers Wheatie Wafting Wafers! WTFF5! I beg of you. H2OMG!

I should have been a monk. Have a nice day.

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2 comments on “The Other “F” Word – Bran Brand Bombs

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