Female Code – March 2013 Edition (Baby Race Cupcake Festival)


It’s All Your Fault Cupcake Festival
Notice the Warrior Wedge Formation

As I have notified my two readers before, I am approaching 54 years on this blue ball.  Writing allows me openly discuss my observations of people.  Now I take these observations to extremes for the sake of a laugh, or two.  What I have noticed lately is the newest race, the baby race.  It is said that for our youngest generation to have enough social security, they need to get busy producing babies, and a lot of them, at least 50 per woman.

Danni the Deranged

This is going on in Japan and Russia too, it’s not just an American issue.  Many of you ladies, well except the one above, are getting into the patriotic spirit.  You are also very enterprising (more like devious).  I recently read that cupcake sales globally are at an all time high.  That’s great; dentist, orthopedic surgeons, dialysis centers, home elevator, and ScooterAround manufacturers thank you for your future business.  However, there seems to be a cupcake festival for just about every occasion,  for example:

  1. Creation Cupcake Festival – this is where you invite all your female friends to announce the legally binding intent to procreate.  You bake 60 dozen cupcakes for the occasion, but as soon as the announcement is made, all your lady friends frantically flee to their own homes for the procreation race. We men, never knew what hit us.  You are then left with the 60 dozen and the man bloats to the size of a small sperm whale.
  2. 50 Creams Seduction Cupcake Festival – this were the man is tricked with a really great tasting bacon topped cupcake, and a cupcake trail that leads to the bedroom, where his cupcake is winking at him, all bare and frosting free.
  3. Gender Reveal Cupcake Festival – Girl, Boy, Gerbel – it doesn’t matter it’s just another occasion to eat cupcakes and gossip. A great time to show off baby bumps and lumps.
  4. Gabby’s Grab Bag Garage Sale and Cupcake Festival – that’s right, Gabby, your older friend has some really cool baby stuff 50% off.  Yet another time for gossip and a gradually growing trend of wondering how this all happened.
  5. The VISA is overloaded Cupcake Festival – this is from all the home remodeling, Gabby’s never ending garage sale, and Baby’s-R-Us visits, Oscar de La Renta baby wear and matching Coach purse, and of course, cupcake consumption.  The international bankers association thanks you.
  6. Happy Hurling Cupcake Festival – this is the party where in the first trimester of pregnancy all the ladies ingest a dozen cupcakes and then talk about all the hurling they’ve done.  They also talk about their bizarre cupcake cravings like dill pickle filled cupcakes, or haggis toppings. I personally try to sneak in on the bacon topped ones, only to be swatted away like a fly.
  7. Genes Donor Appreciation Cupcake Festival – this is the only one where we, the loving husbands and fathers to be, are ever invited.  Just a small token of appreciation during the procreation phase.
  8. It’s All Your Fault Cupcake Festival – this is when cupcake sales are at their highest, the period where we men are now to be blamed for all of life’s problems.  Don’t believe me?  Look at the mob of angry women above, notice the absence of baby bumps with the replacement by a baby boob.
  9. Does my Belly Look like a Boob Cupcake Festival – whatever you do men, for your own sake, make no mention of muffin tops. If you do, your procreation days are numbered.
  10. Baby Shower Cupcake Festival – a festival to revel in the gifts the little darling cupcake will outgrow in a week, while 99.999% of your minimum VISA payment goes to interest and you receive the nice little statement showing you might be able to pay it off at the beginning of the next millennium.
  11. Labor of Love Cupcake Festival – in the delivery room all the nurses, the OB/GYN, parking attendants, etc. share in the splendor of birth.  The guy just gets to digitally record it for the future.
  12. Circumcision Cupcake Festival – right before Junior is allowed to go home there is that final celebration.  Who invented circumcision?  Was this Eve’s way of getting even with Adam and the reason Cain was so, so unhappy?
  13. Poopy Diaper Cupcake Festival – this is the festival where ladies get together to discuss how their brave men gagged and hurled from diaper changes. They think it’s quite funny.  Well, so do I.  Here’s a sample of the bravest men you’ll ever witness.

Wussy’s – what a disgrace! Well I could go on and on at the various opportunities to have a cupcake festival, but then everyone would stop reading.

By this time, everyone is on a sugar high that will not wind down until the dawn of the next century. A few months pass and after a trillion cupcake loaded diapers are changed, it then turns into a year.  That’s when one of your wife’s friends talks baby cupcake procreation race nonsense again.  You walk into the kitchen to see the stockpile of ammunition and as you turn to run away, you notice a trail of your favorite bacon topped cupcakes leading down the hall and there your cupcake is, all bare and frosting free – again. You struggle to resist, but the makin bacon opportunity is calling you.  You realize your doom and that all hope is lost.  So you lovingly submit.


Men, cupcakes are evil!


Alright ladies, be the defender of your gender. What’s up with all the cupcakes?


5 comments on “Female Code – March 2013 Edition (Baby Race Cupcake Festival)

  1. […] Female Code – March 2013 Edition (Baby Race Cupcake Festival). […]

  2. lisareither says:

    It’s simple. Cupcakes make even mediocre bakers feel successful, and then girls like to get all crazy with the toppings and flavors to satisfy their need to control things, and unless something is really awful, most stuff works with chocolate. On top of that, they’re like tiny baby cakes, which, of course, is adorable.

    • ewgreenlee says:

      Wow, thanks for the honest reply. So you are saying women like to control things, right? And if I am reading correctly, the way to a woman’s stomach is chocolate and crazy little toppings.

      I’ll try to remember all of this as I give words of wisdom to my grandson, “My son, if you screw up royally, get a dozen chocolate covered cupcakes – with sprinkles.”

  3. […] they are hosting little parties around the cakes.  Now I first published this conspiracy in the Female Code, which I advise all men to read first for […]

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