I may have mentioned 1,000 times that I am 53 years old. I remember a day when hair on men was considered manly. Remember Tom Selleck? My best friend was loaded with chest hairs and attracted all the girls. Envious as I was, I shaved my chest to grow hair. Could I grow hair, no way. Shaving was useless, because I was already clean shaven. Fast forward to my son, who is now a very handsome man, with a lot of chest hairs, and what does he do? He shaves it all, and I mean, ALL of his body hair off! He is even having it surgically removed. I could have saved him money. I have an excellent high speed sander in my garage.
This ain’t right! What genes did he get that are mocking me? Nowadays guys and girls shave everything off except on their head. Everywhere else has to be hairless, like a Chihuahua.
I credit this to the influence of the Internet. Everyone was just going along being human, until some advertiser or adult movie star caught our kids attention. Somehow being human was bad and disgusting. Yet, muffin tops, tramp stamps and sagging pants became cool and sexy. Music that you once could hug and dance to, became beats that you could, well, beat to. Lyrics like “Love to love you baby,” were replaced with “Yo, @%&*%@ $^%^ !@&**&*#% Yo, Yo, Yo, Walk the Dog, Yo-Yo.”
Instead of cars that had muscle and a reasonable 8-track system, we now have super modified foreign lawnmowers, with a sound system designed for 250,000 people. I kid you not, some kid “slow rides” down our street and I can see my ear drums popping outside of my head, along side my eyeballs. The glass on the kid’s lawnmower is bending to the beat and trees begin to sway, my golden retriever howls in pain. My heart is pounding so hard, that I involuntarily shake and convulse like a Michael Jackson video. Hee Hee – Jump on Shamone!
Now back to hair. Remember the hair days of the 70’s and 80’s when ladies spent all day Friday, just to dance on Saturday nights? Do you remember those wildly and awesome spandex outfits they wore, as we guys chased them around the dance floor? Do recall all those hair bands, where the towering hair made the guys ten feet tall and chest hairs exploded from their wide open spandex shirts? It was all about the HAIR! I still have the same style I wore back in 1979. Hey, it works for me. I also have more chest hairs now than ever before, although they are turning gray and translucent , so you still can’t tell I have any, and my wife could care less. Although I did grow my beard back and used a little hair mascara at the advice of my hair stylist. How did my wife like it? Let me put it this way – I am buying a case of the stuff.
My point is that life is absurd. What was hip and cool yesterday, ain’t today. There is one thing I do know with certainty that in the end we can all agree on. One day we will all be fighting ear, nose, neck, belly-button, runaway eyebrow hairs or any other geographical spot on your body you don’t want hair.
To hair is human; Nair for men, divine. Here’s a flashback.
Oh, how I miss the ladies of the eighties Grrrr… Woof Woof! Sorry, the beast has been unleashed.
Now ladies, imagine your man in such a commercial. Yeah, I thought so. Bring back the Sasquatch. Okay, since I am such an ancient alien, please explain the obsession with body hair.