Good Coffee Gone Bad – yea, yea, yea.

Coffee

There is a song by Bad Company titled Good Lovin Gone Bad.  Well today while I was reading news for trends, I came across a very disturbing article on FoxNews.com.  Yes, I read Fox, CNN, NYTimes, USA Today, Reuters and the BBC.  I like a full perspective of our insane world, not just one viewpoint.  Besides being worldly means I can find absurdity from the left, right, and in between.  I show no favoritism.  So what was so disturbing?

Coffee Enemas (Link)

That’s right, you read it correctly. I kid you not! Read the link.

“Mike and Trina, who declined to give their last names (for reasons that may be obvious), are so hooked on coffee enemas that they use them to cleanse their colons at least four times daily, though Trina admitted using them up to 10 times in a single day, according to ABC News.”

“I love the way it makes me feel,” Trina said, “It gives me a sense of euphoria.”

Euphoria?  I can’t imagine running around the house or the neighborhood screaming in agony a sense of euphoria. This should not be!  There should be a law against the cruel and unusual uses of coffee. This gives a completely new and completely gross definition of Mr. Coffee.  It appears that this is nothing new, a study called the Gerson Treatment was developed back in the 1940’s.

“But the Gerson treatment — which is no longer offered in the United States — is linked with serious health problems, including death. There’s at least one report of hot enemas causing burns, scarring and rectal perforation.”

Well Yeah! Just this last week I burned my lip taking a sip of a freshly brewed Colombian Supremo from my private bean reserve.  I can’t imagine the burn to my reserved and delicate privates with an enema!  I kinda like living and normal coffee consumption. For me, the normal consumption seems to keep my constitution in balance.  Now this couple, living in Florida, has me thinking that maybe a vacation to the Sunshine State isn’t such a good idea.  Now I know why Dave Barry, who is my insane writing hero, is so insane.  He lives in Florida!  Should you be strolling around on 30A and come to a Mike and Trina’s Coffee Inn – run away, run away, for coffee’s sake run away!

However, with all the madness, there is always room for hope and opportunity.  Why Bob Hope never ran for president always amuses me.  He’d have won in a landslide by his name alone. “I’m Hope and I want your vote.”  I digress as usual. So if there are any more Mike and Trina’s out there, I’ve decided to open up my private reserve (the coffee that is) of Eduardo Hancho Pancho Slurpious Salivato.  I have given this limited reserve the name of Euphoric Colombian Colon Cleanser.  You can find the beans in the medicine isle right next to Fleet Colonoscopy Prep. How you grind the beans, brew them, make mochas and lattes is up to you.  Please do not reply here how you accomplished any of this. My readers are not that inquisitive, I hope not.  I even have a jingle for the sure to come TV spots:

Columbian colon cleanser,

feel the caffeine rush.

When the euphoria is over,

be sure to flush.

Good coffee gone bad, yea, yea, yea!

Why I am not a syndicated, Pulitzer prize winning humorist I don’t understand.  I gave this story the human touch. I have ten bags of the private reserve ready for order today.  This is a limited time order before you meet with Mr. Gerson. Send $500 dollars today to:
BBB Enterprises
1234 Suckers Way
Grand Cayman Island
(Sorry no refunds or colonoscopy diagnostics with your mauvaise odeur order)
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