For those of you who read my blog you will know that football is in my blood. My father won two national championships and went undefeated in his time at The University of Oklahoma that built a 47 game win streak in the 1950’s, that still stands today. However, I did not inherit his genetics. As a matter of fact, I weighed only 135 pounds as a senior in high school and was a chick repellent, a human mosquito. I was fast and could throw a ball 70 yards, but if someone hit me, I’d wind up on row 61. I was a product of the 1970’s when body building and sculpting was bigger than today. I went from 135 as a senior to 185 six months later and became a chick magnet, more like fly paper. Today, I weigh 230 pounds. How in the heck did I go from 135 to 230?
So fellow Man Club members what does this say? We men are not as manly anymore. Where has Superman, the man of steel gone? We’ve become pudgy, much too soft in the mid-section and instead of cut muscles, we tattoo barbed wire images on our arms, with the hopes it says we are a man. Some of us tower at 6’6″ but weigh 330 pounds. We’ve become whales! This must end my fellow man club members. Beside being deadly unhealthy, we are not appeasing the football gods. I stopped watching pro football over 25 years ago, because it was no longer about the purity of the game and the athlete. Now it’s about cold hard cash, commercials, half naked cheer and pom-pom leaders, brawls before, during and after the game, riots whether you lost or not, and general public chaos. It was once about healthy and strong young men beating the snot and sweat out of each other, until one side had scored more points. Now we have hit squads and bounties right on the field. Instead of tackling a guy with our helmet to the knees, we manned up and then used our brute force to bring our opponent to the ground. A lineman could be seen running up the field 30 yards to make a block. Today, these lineman make it one yard and then take a big mac (Massive Artery Clotting) break, during the 100 commercials. They aren’t blockers anymore, they are plugs, that’s right, massive human plugs with the simple purpose keeping the D-lineman from flooding in.
So today I drafted section 330, which deals with our members weight:
“Each morning a man club member must get up at 4:00 a.m. to recondition his body. He will commit to losing 5 pounds per day. He will begin with stretching exercises, then go through a series of weight lifting to tone his muscles and strengthen bone, by lifting fewer pounds but with more repetitions. He will then run three miles to get his heart rate up and burn those excess stored calories. He will come back after three hours of exercise and eat a healthy breakfast. He will continue with healthy eating habits the remainder of the day. He will refocus his mind away from excessive snacking, TV watching, and video game playing, by reading his favorite books to exercise the intellectual athlete inside. He will complete his honey-do’s. In two months, he will be the envy of every ordinary man, and the driving lust of every average woman.”
ALRIGHT, who is with me? Rah, Rah! On second thought, what’s wrong with super world whale championship watching on our 60″ HDTV with surround sound, remote control for channel surfing, and bowl of butter popcorn and a few brews? Who knows maybe we will be able to double our high school weight. Woo hoo! What a sexy accomplishment.
PS – just know this post, although laced with a little humor, addresses a serious issue. Many of us men are definitely walking heart attacks, bone and joint replacement and diabetes candidates. Our wife and children are following our example of idleness and packing on the pounds as well. I say it is time, we men, look honestly in the mirror (a wide mirror) and man-up to be the leaders of our families and the stewards of our bodies. Learn to enjoy the activities of the great outdoors and actual family time. We are headed for a healthcare apocalypse. Where have the super men gone?