I am a simple man. I love one type of coffee, Colombian Supremo. Straight, black and hairy. You will most likely find me in old worn out gym sweats slurping down my supremo from a duct tape riddled insulated mug. The duct tape is required to secure the mug to my hand, until all the caffeine rushes in and comprises 90% of my body weight, expunging all water, a much overrated body fluid. I realize now, thanks to Lowell Jacoby of Miami, Florida that there are coffee addicts that have a little, well, much more class than yours truly. He states, “I am an enthusiast and connoisseur.”
I picture Lowell in one of the mansions on the beach, sitting on his million dollar perch enjoying that gorgeous sunrise with a China Cup of Coffee made fresh, by hand grinding, from his maid or butler. He even has his own brand of brewing machine – Miami Muy Mucho Macho Mocha Machine. I also can see a Coffee Cellar, next door to his Wine Cellar. I could be wrong but that’s what I envision in my absurdly creative mind.
So to rise to a new level of class, I looked up the definition of connoisseur:
2. A person of informed and discriminating taste
Well I have been trained on how to use the measuring cup, and grind the beans, and I do have discriminating taste. Starbucks has a coffee reserve by the name of Panama Paso Ancho. So I have decided to raise my social status and name my very own reserve, Eduardo Hancho Pancho Slurpious Salivato. Classy, eh? I’ve been informed by Lowell that this is just silly and chaotic. You see! Now I am an informed person with discriminating taste.
However, in an actual coffee shortage apocalypse, I think all the discriminating coffee addicts out there, with their depleted reserves, would kill even for a Duncan Donuts reserve from a plastic cup. They’d even learn real quick to milk a cow for the cream. I know how to milk a cow, do you? I can even make it swirl in your cup with enthusiasm and artistic flair. See! Now I have fulfilled the definition of a person with expert knowledge and training in the fine qualities of udder art design. I too am now a coffee connoisseur, Yaz! I am an author too, Yaz!
I am considering a new brand from my esteemed reserve and would like for a few discriminating people of the upper udder class to participate in the following market test of:
Mai Tai Mocha Aloha!
This brand is for those who have the discriminating jitters from too much discriminating caffeine. The Rum will help settle you down. I am also considering a franchise and seeking investors for MyBucks. Each 1 ounce cup will cost $40, but is guaranteed to keep you awake for one week. That comes to only $5.71 per day. What a bargain! But, if you invest today, I’ll throw in another ounce free, for an extra week of insomnia. So send your initial capital contribution of $16,000,000,000,000,000 to:
1234 Suckers Way
Grand Cayman Islands
You say you have a problem with the initial investment? Well that’s what your government has obligated you for without a peep from you, so I thought I too could get away with it. Welcome to coffee chaos.