Songs that make you hurl haggis

Today on Facebook a friend posed an interesting question.

Okay, What’s a song that you’ll be thrilled if you never ever hear it again? Mine is, “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” so tired of this song. So over played. What’s yours?

My response was Loving You by Minnie Riperton.  If you have ever heard this song from the 70’s, the singer has a unique high pitch than can shatter glass, a Memorex tape, your skull, awaken hell hounds in Hades, and result in uncontrollable haggis hurling.  Yet the radio DJ’s, all high on cannabis while watching strobe lit disco dance floors, played it over and over again.  Don’t believe me?  Well, please listen to Minnie in all her hypersonic glory, but please lower your hearing aid, as they are the first to burst.

Changing lyrics to songs is one of my favorite past times, “Loving you, is so truly painful, everything that I do, is oooh so torturous.”  This song was officially banned by the Abba committee at the Geneva convention of 1949.   Yes, I know it was made in 1973, but the Swedish foursome committee foresaw its coming and banned it without success, because they wanted to cash in on Dancing Queen – oh Mama Mia!  Of course there were also songs like Chuckies in Love and Midnight at the Oasis, where you had to put your camel to bed.  Is this the cigarettes?  Because if its the animal, I don’t want to know any more about song.  I am sure most the people my age crack up laughing now about lyrics they thought they knew, like the ones inside Manfred Mann’s Blinded by the Light – Wrapped up like a …….  Well you know how you sang to it.

I am a product of the 1970’s.  At first we had soft rock bands like Bread, that you could actually get close to a girl, and Slow Dancing and Swaying to the Music by Johnny Rivers, and nibble on her ear. Now that’s dancing!  Then disco invaded my life, with matching disco clothes, disco high-dive platform shoes, disco hair, disco strobe lights and the Bee Gees.  During that period I had to suffer through Staying Alive, and date girls who wanted to go see the Jersey Shore’s grandparents movie – Saturday Night Fever.  Sorry Snookie, you are not an original, although – Who let the dogs out, does come to the mind of several of the FB friends. I was trying to stay alive from cardiac arrest after chasing girls around the dance floor trying to get a little ear nibbling action.  They just ran away and called it disco dancing. I’d like to hunt down and strap the inventor of disco to a chair and make him watch the Fever, over and over again.  Although they tell me such treatment also violates the Geneva conventions.

Another FB friend stated that anything from Abba, Celine Dione, or a duo by Elton John and Kiki Dee could send them into ballistic haggis launch and orbit.  If you don’t recall the duo, here’s part of the lyrics – Don’t go breaking my heart…  How ironic!  Some said, When a man loves a woman for the 15,000th time by Michael Bolten created painful sensory overload.  Some simply said – Country.  Not the song, the entire musical universe , which I think is a little critical, It’s Five o’clock somewhere has to be an all-time favorite for most of us.

To make things even worse, Travorevolta starred in another movie I had to suffer through.  I had one very brief girlfriend that I went out with three times and each time I had to see GreaseBall – the Movie and listen to her sing  – You are the one that I want, ooh-ooh-ooh, while salivating down her blouse watching John gyrate. Having to see it three times should also be against the Geneva conventions. Turns out she was only going out with me to get to my best friend. So I changed the lyrics, one of my favorite past times as you may recall, into –Your the girl I wanna hurl – ooh, ooh, ooh.

As we move into the 80’s it was Madonna who curdled many a good haggis meal, and she still manages to do so with incredible staying power.  I never understood the meaning of – Like a Sturgeon, I suppose she loves caviar. I never knew a material girl could get so intimate with the floor. Then for the next 20 years rap took over.  I had laid odds on a 2 year history for rap and lost my entire 401(k). Can’t touch this comes painfully to my mind. Everything else since then has been a blur. So I take out my old eight track and vinyls and relive the glory days, where bands had musicians and singers.

Now being the fun loving guy that I am, my daughter-in-law wanted to know what music I wanted to hear at her wedding, so I said jokingly – “I like Big Butts!”  So what does my fun loving daughter-in-law play at her wedding – “I like Big Butts!”  Then she proceeded to make me dance to it with her.  I now truly hate that song, because I can’t dance.  I won’t challenge her ever again!

So as I close this blog post please enjoy another hypersonic singer, with video and music from Hamish and the Haggis Hurlers.  Later they renamed the band to Yanni and the Yonder Yoddlers.  They reunited one last time for a Holiday Inn Express farewell tour as Carl and Cannibas Cannibals, aka Focus.  What a classic!

Now it’s your turn.  What songs hurl your haggis?

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2 comments on “Songs that make you hurl haggis

  1. Anonymous says:

    Total Eclipse Of The Heart. Pure gaggery.

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