Caffeine is not a crime – withholding Caffeine is

Coffee

Recently I was interviewed by United Kingdom author Jane Isaac.  Her blog is titled Caffeine is not a crime.  Well I have to disagree.  Withholding caffeine from addicted coffee lovers can lead to a crime, mob chaos and World War III. Many of you may not be old enough to remember a mad scientific experiment gone completely wrong, called freeze dried coffee.  I believe the name for the coffee was Sanka. It might have been better described as Skunka.  It was nasty, vile, horrible and unpalatable.  It might have been better used as a mouth wash, for kids who you are trying to break the habit of swearing or back talking.  There are some things in life that just should not be, such as caffeine free coffee.

My grandfather, a Captain in General George S. Patton’s 3rd Army, introduced me to coffee, with just a touch of cream. I had no idea at the time that would be referred to as a Latte.  Soon I was drinking coffee straight because my father stated it would put hair on my chest, which I’m still waiting for.  Nowadays young men shave body hair, or have it surgically removed with lasers – what a bunch of wimps!  They should be slapped with the gloves of Patton for not being a true man.  Nowadays so-called men are into coffee art and coffee bars, where they can talk about seeing the Mona Lisa in their Mocha Latte Grande, with just a pinch of cinnamon and ginger, and the few remaining hairs they have left to be removed. They can compare who has the smoother legs, along with their girlfriends. Someone please shoot me.  I can’t understand young women who want decaffeinated coffee and dehaired men.  It’s just not right!  Give it to me straight and hot, piping hairy hot. Caffeine can lead to digression, its only drawback.

If it were not for coffee, I would not be holding two college degrees, a CPA license, a securities license and soon a realty license, and be a writer, blogger and self-publisher.  I have coffee to thank for my success and really bizarre dreams.  Some of the greatest stories ever written were induced by caffeinated dreams, I’d lay odds on it.  I needed the caffeine to stay awake for all the studying.  I even supplemented my coffee with No-Doze, which contrary to my intent, knocked me out cold. Go figure.  When my two demonic possessed children came along that would not sleep, that’s right, you guessed it, coffee was my constant companion.  People at work wanted to know if my insulated coffee mug was surgically attached to my hand.  Of course it wasn’t, how absurd, couldn’t they see the duct tape? We were inseparable pals.  I don’t cry often, but if I spill coffee, which is a Class I Misdemeanor punishable by forcible Sanka consumption, I would shed tears.

We are remodeling our kitchen and in the new pantry must be space that holds our commercial quality coffee bean grinder, on a remote control sliding shelf, because we have to top load 20 pounds of beans. Yes, I am that dedicated and addicted. Instead of hoarding dried food for the next apocalypse we hoard coffee beans.  We feel it is a safe investment in the event we need to barter.  Should our grinder or the electric grid fail, I would gladly chew on the beans, with a hot water chaser.  That’s how dedicated, committed, and addicted I am to coffee.  I give special thanks to God each night before I go to bed for Juan Valdez, and the rich and supremo soils of Colombia.  For without caffeine, we’d all become a raging felonious mob of zombies.

Welcome to Coffee Chaos Monthly, Allivar Creative Publishing’s newest monthly blog journal.  As a new and committed subscriber to this nonsense, what coffee chaos have you witnessed this month.  Come on, don’t be bashful.

Now please stand and sing with me our coffee pledge (think O’ Christmas tree)

Oh coffee bean,

Oh coffee bean,

I need chest hairs that can be seen.

Oh coffee bean,

Oh coffee bean,

Without you I’d make a chaotic scene.

I feel so lively and high strung,

I’ll even risk a scorched tongue.

Oh coffee bean,

Oh coffee bean,

You keep our bowels really clean.

Have a great coffee filled day.

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One comment on “Caffeine is not a crime – withholding Caffeine is

  1. ewgreenlee says:

    Feel free to share this caffeinated absurdity. It is my hopes to be syndicated like Dave Barry, or at least committed to an institution with free meals and boarding. This writing has to pay off somewhere.

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