I was hoping the Mayan end of the world predictions would come true so I would never have to play, or pretend to care anything at all about golfing ever again. Golfing is an addiction for some of us. We know how painful it is going to be, but we place ourselves into the fairway for the hopes of a few “highs” of good shots. In the end, we get a ricochet to our groin, or take down some poor squirrel with a family of fifteen to support. Every time I play, I leave the course in a disaster with all the divots and craters. Sometimes those that live near the course yell out at me, with fear in their eyes, as I line up for a shot. They know they are in the line of fire for the end of days. It was a prophecy fooooretold. Yes, lame I know.
What would duffers do if a partial apocalypse occurred? Have you ever thought about it? Have you watched Doomsday Duffers on NatGeo? “I’m preparing for the Yellowstone Super Volcano. In the event of social chaos, I’m stocking up on balls and tees,” says Tom Flyakite. Instead of weapons surrounding their homes, they have balls lined up on tees and they get a little range practice in by taking down zombie invaders. The survival kit would include freeze dried Miller Lite and Bud Lite, along with your choice of Wiseguy Gourmet Survival Nachos, Survival Dogs, Survival Burgers, and if you are truly desperate, Survival Haggis. Since most of these meals are made with landfill fillers, they are guaranteed to have a shelf life of 1 billion years.
Even though I couldn’t hit the broad side of barn, I know my rebound will take something out, it’s just a matter of launching as many round white and yellow projectiles as possible. You have seen the tennis ball machine that spits out tennis balls? I have a modified one that rapidly fires golf balls. The great thing is I have tons of range balls that I have collected over the years for this apocalyptic golfing prophecy.
In 2013, the drought is supposed to continue here in Oklahoma. We may even tap into the ground water to keep courses green. We will place a sign in our yards that says “Well Water.” Well, that’s fine and dandy. That’s just an advertisement for the hordes of thirsty doomsday duffer zombies to come a knockin! I’m not too sure having that sign up is a healthy thing. Golf envy is one thing, water to sustain life envy, is something altogether more risky. I’m going to put a sign in my yard with all the addresses of people who have well water. This should give me time to practice a few more 60 foot puts in my backyard.
Should sun flares release a super massive EMPP (Electro Magnetic People Popper) on us in 2013, it is most likely all the electric golf carts will stop working right in the middle of the hottest and busiest day on the course. My god! We’ll have to walk. How horrible! This also means the beer cart won’t be coming around with the nice looking snack lady. Egads! What a catastrophe! There will be so many bodies stacked up at the nineteenth hole, it will look like a scene from Prometheus.
Then finally, the squirrel population will rise to unprecedented levels and we will have – Planet of the Squirrels. The divots will disappear and alien squirrels will land to join with their earthly cousins and joke about the human race and their insane games. Should any humans survive, the squirrels will launch an offensive with all the balls they horded in their nests and tree hollows. They will not risk the Second Rise of the Duffers – my next best selling novel, along with its sequel 50 Balls of Doom.
Speaking of Golf Apocalypse, watch this pro destroy a simulator. It makes me happy to know even the pros can cause major financial disasters. If you watch real carefully you’ll notice a digital squirrel go down.