As editor, managing member, and chief financial officer of Allivar Creative, LLC publishing (Yes it really exist), I offer to my readers several absurd monthly blogs, including:
These fine monthly editions are a must have on your reading list, why? They are a reflection of our times and the absurd human condition. In continuing this tradition of insane creative writing, I have decided to add another fine monthly edition to our offerings – Apocalypse Monthly. Yes it seems we have at least one religious, political, or astronomical apocalypse or conspiracy theory every month and I want to cash in on the paranoia and anxiety. Our first edition is titled the Apocabusto.
In my 53 years of insane existence, I have witnessed numerous predictions of the end of the world or society as we now know it. Songs and movies have been made, toys created, do-it-yourself survival manuals have been written, tie-dye shirts have been tied and dyed; wacky weed seeds have been planted, harvested, and smoked, and dried gourmet food supplies in a plastic tub have been prepared.
THIS IS BIG BIG BUSINESS! So I thought I’d create my own conspiracies and predictions, because all previous predictions like Y2K, Fiscal Cliff and the Mayan Alarm Calendars have all gone apocabusto (Which is now a major motion picture in production.) Now that those predictions are busted, the revenue generating streams that kept hundreds of millions employed have gone, well, apocabusto! This is a serious issue, as some poor unemployed person needs a new job making doomsday merchandise. In case you didn’t already know, I’m also an accountant and creative money making schemes is also my scheme. So what conspiracy can I create this month, our inaugural edition?
That’s right, cable TV is a sign of the end of times. My wife and I have a service that subscribes to 3,000 channels. The only one we wanted was HBO, to watch Game of Thrones, but to get to this fantasy series you have to subscribe and subsidize the other 2,999 wastelands of programming channels, then be patient for the next season or watch the series over and over again. If you didn’t understand the meaning of subsidize, now you do. My subscription to HBO subsidizes programming like Honey Boo Boo.
Why can’t I just pay-per-view the series? You see, conspiracy number one of 2013. If you dare channel surf you just might run across Bridezilla, Honey Boo Boo, Storage Wars, Swamp Thangs and Thongs, or Gator Boys. This is how I learned about zombies (reality stars) and vampires (show producers). These shows are utterly frightening. I used to love Discovery and National Geographic, they once educated me and informed me, now they seem to follow the absurdity of the moment as well.
Then there was Jersey Shores, which went extinct because one of the female stars got married and then pregnant. Young female readers should note if you get married and pregnant, your life is over, that’s conspiracy number two of 2013. Even the super storm Sandy had enough of the series. What? You didn’t know this already? See how easy it is to start your own conspiracy and apocalypse theories? If a 2013 sunburst occurs and wipes out Cable TV, we are doomed. All those people you see on TV and those people of WallyMarts will be out on the streets. God help us!!!
But enough of that, let’s talk about merchandising. The whole reason for life as we know it. I have ample dead inventory remaining that you need, yes need, to survive the next apocalypse. I need to unload my supplies of Mayan Hot Mayhem Mommas 2012 calendars and “Your Gonna Die” Tie Dyes. I still have a few boxes of Snookie Cookies, the Snookie Snuggles couch potato body blanket, Snookie Lookie sunglasses, Snookie Nookie lingerie, and the seaside sensation – Snookie Snorkels. They are just $19.99 each. But if you order today you’ll get TWO, yes, TWO. But this is a limited time offer, the next apocalypse is nearing, as your sunset retractable awning warranty nears lapsing. But that’s still not all, order now and as a bonus well throw in a set of Snookie Ginsu Knives, to cut your wrist if Honey Boo Boo should ever appear at your door. But I am still not done, act today and you get a free box of Honey Boo Boo Bon Bon’s to choke on.
Well that completes this inaugural release. I am sure you clearly see the value of this subscription. It is my hope that you will come back next month for more wild and wacky apocalypse and conspiracy predictions. I got a million of em, ah cha cha cha (Visualize Jimmy Durante)
What apocalypse is on your calendar?