Female Code – January 2013 Edition (50 Shades No More, Puhleeze)

On New Years Eve my wife and I spent time with some long time friends. Just when I thought I could leave 2012 behind me, the wife stated she has read 50 Shades of Grey. The husband swears his men’s health magazine says to stay away, or run away if you must. I have never read the book, but have read about the content and story line.   Some say it is about taking us out of a boring sex life and into a new stratosphere of sexual actualization, actually. Here’s my last take on this 2012 phenomenon.

1. Money – yes money, the guy in the story is a billionaire, I repeat, a stinking rich billionaire.  What if he was just a starving writer, like me, for instance?  Not only boring, but ultra boring.  You see, money can take a woman anywhere, that’s a part of their fantasy, like making love under a Hawaiian waterfall, as tourist stare in awe of the site, with flashes going off faster than the 4th of July.  What if that billionaire took the woman to an IHOP?  Does that conjure up passion?

2. He’s Young and Good Looking – the male character is just 28 and a stinking rich good looking billionaire.  Oh how convenient! I suppose he probably sparkles or glows too. Somehow the picture of Grandpa with leather and whips isn’t going to sell 65 million books, toys and movie rights, am I right, or am I right?  Well, maybe if he is a billionaire, at least the lashes don’t sting as much. Just put a bag over his head, or a spiky studded leather cap.

3. Dirty Talk – supposedly the major male character is into dirty talk, which somehow turns on the lady character.  Maybe if I talk to my wife about all my dirty clothes in the hamper it will set off a nuclear chain reaction of electrically charged passion. “Hey, baby where do you want my Fruit of the Looms?” It’s worth a shot, but I am sure Vegas has high odds against its success.

4. Meeting Her Needs First – in everything the male character does, it’s all about “her.” Well this is a no brainer, it has always been about them.  I can see the woman just about to lose it when he ask which she prefers, “Do you want blueberry waffles, or the fruity tooty pancakes?”  I am sure this is where the chains come into play as the guy needs to restrain her wanton passion.  He has to be careful not to make mention of chocolate, as this really sets a woman off into the milky way of ecstasy.

5. Pain and Submission – supposedly its about pain and submission, but whose, the  man or the woman’s?  I could talk about my wife’s early marriage cooking and the pain and submission I endured for my honey pumpkin. Will this drive her into a frenzy if I rehash the good ole days?  We guys need you women to give this story a rest. Please learn to control your hormones, we men have suffered enough pain.  We submit already!  Uncle, uncle!

6. He Needs Rescue – it’s a love story because the naive college girl gets to save the wretched male character and convert him to her puppet.  THIS is the real story.  Women have this embedded in their DNA code – to change a guy.

With all this in mind I am going to watch women real carefully in 2013.  In particular, what men they stare at.  What are they are wearing, driving, eating, etc?  If I see a women jolt, moan, bite their lips, or drool like a St. Bernard, I’ll have a better idea of their fantasies.  I recall a 2008 concert where I took my wife to see Keith Urban, yes that scraggly bearded blond hair, blue eyed nerd, very rich nerd, who sings songs about needing his woman or he’s going to cry. Puhleeze, no more I beg of you ladies, or I am going to write 50 Shades of Gagging! She needed a baby bib and a defibrillator when he started to sing.  Should I tie down Keith, whip him and video tape him, and then watch it with my wife?  Is that the ticket?

I’ve read that some women love men in kilts.  Something about the raw animal look. Well feast your eyes on this! Six foot one inch, 230 pounds of haggis, neeps and tatties filled, haggis hurling champion, bankrupt hunk of a man!!  There, I think I have successfully cured your 50 Shades obsession without psychiatric help. You are welcome!

BraveLiver1

Hamish “Hoggy” Hogmanay
Haggis Hurling Champion of 2012
From Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire

Disclaimer: I cannot be held liable for the losses you suffer in your sex life as a result of reading this.  No one, especially this writer, held you down and expected you to read this painful dribble. PS, this is my last 50 Shades post. PSS, ever.  PSSS, I swear.

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5 comments on “Female Code – January 2013 Edition (50 Shades No More, Puhleeze)

  1. ewgreenlee says:

    I have been informed that my 4th point above is completely false. It appears Mr. Grey is actually another self absorbed male. Who would have thought that? Please do not hunt me down with whips and chains.

  2. Anonymous says:

    This is truly hilarious, but I must say, you did make a few good points about Mr. Grey. Yes, he was rich, handsome, young etc… but…and I do say but… it was the fantasy of the unknown that really grabbed you. I will say, you have a talent for writing but please for your wifes sake change out those fruit of the looms. All women like a little variety sometimes…

  3. Anonymous says:

    I agree with Anonymous in this part, do cast aside the fruit of the looms for Hanes. I have found them more comfortable and when you are in a hurry to peep the interance to the pocket is closer to the zipper, fruit of the looms was always hanging to far the the right. the only other choice is todo like some of those naughty ladies do and ware nothing so there is no tell tale line to cross before the Passion begins!!!

    • ewgreenlee says:

      Well see, you can learn something new from bloggers. I just learned men’s underwear are now rated by their peep factor. However, this blog is rated PG-13 and as executive editor of Allivar Creative, LLC I must end this conversation here, before the next generation is completely grossed out.

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