I may have mentioned that I converse with British author Danny Kemp. He is almost as insane as me. Today he mentioned the celebration of Hogmanay day in Scotland, the eating of Haggis and copious consumption of Scottish whiskey. I admit to not knowing what Haggis was, so I joked around about a celebration over the state line in Arkansas, which I completely made up. For any British person reading this just know someone from Arkansas is like someone who has genes from vikings, eskimos, french, picts, turtles and hogs. In essence, they are severely genetically messed up. There in Arkansas they chase hogs and cook them in a pit and call it barbeque. Instead of whiskey, they drink moonshine, also known as Hillbilly Napalm. Moonshine is so high in octane it can run a monster truck, Titan missiles or a Hog (a Harley-Davidson Motorcycle) also favorites of Arkansans. It can remove paint and neutralize nuclear waste, so it is not for the faint of heart.
I joked that anything with “Hog” in its name was just an excuse for public intoxication and for throwing things around, like kids, wives (yes plural), brother cousins (don’t ask me to explain), mothers-in-laws and banjo players. Anyone who has ever seen the movie Deliverance knows exactly what I mean about the banjo player, that jeepers creepers of a genetically altered boy playing that banjo. We older guys fear banjo players and immediately go into sphincter clinching mode. I will not provide any more detail on that sore subject matter. Watch the movie and you’ll understand. We love our hogs. We ride metal Hogs, with our Hogettes hugging us as we drive.
I was sure I would be able to connect with Danny on this topic. In order to have an intelligent, yet insane conversation with Danny about this event I looked up Hogmanay and Haggis. Here is what Wikipedia had to say:
Haggis is a savoury pudding containing sheep’s pluck (heart, liver and lungs); minced with onion , oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally encased in the animal’s stomach and simmered for approximately three hours.
Yuuuuu-mmmmm-y!!! I also came across Haggis Hurling which is a sport of tossing said sheep’s plucking. Here’s the background:
“Haggis hurling is a Scottish sport involving the hurling of a haggis as far as possible for distance and accuracy from atop a platform (usually a whiskey barrel). The Haggis must be edible after landing.”
The last sentence just kills me. It must be edible after landing. What, do they cook it in mid-air? Honestly, I’m not sure if Haggis is edible even during pre-flight mode. I can see an innocent walker look up at the last minute and scream “What the Sheep’s Pluck!” Here in America hurling has another meaning: projectile regurgitation. After reading the description of Haggis and looking at it on a plate with surrounding Neeps and Tatties, I was crowned the American champion of Haggis Hurling, even though I had no Haggis in me. Although I have found this a productive weight loss tool now at my disposal. Unfortunately, the imagery of me in a Scottish kilt hurling a 500 pound Haggis from the top of a whiskey barrel, would strip me of my crown and be given to my wife, as she is a better hurler than me. That hottie scottie outfit I had for Halloween is not near as sexy to my wife now that she knows about Haggis, Neeps and Tatties. Thanks Danny, thanks a lot!
This also ruined my imagery of William Wallace. I am sure when they started talking about the movie title; Bravehaggis, Bravehogmanay, or Bravesheeppluck lost out to Braveheart. Now that I know more about the Scot’s, Arkansas hillbilly’s now seem cultured and sociably acceptable. I also ran across this video of the day after Hogmanay for those that binged on Whiskey, Haggis, Neeps and Tatties.
Disclaimer: This is my attempt at international humor. I love all peoples, hogs, sheep, Haggis, Neeps and especially Tatties of the United Kingdom, in a platonic sense mind you. My last image is of a genetically mutated banjo wielding Scot stop playing and ask, “What’s Tatties precious, eh, what’s Tatties?” Should I ever visit Scotland please do not hurl me. Any American looking for a little adventure, just try ordering Tatties at Hooter’s. You may not sue me for their reaction, or physical injury you sustain.