The Female Code – October 2012 Edition (50 Shades of Quilts)

My wife is a quilter and no, she is not that old. Somewhere in her DNA is an urge to quilt.  Many young and middle aged women are rediscovering the art of quilt making, fellowship and a lot of wine drinking.  They go off on these things my wife calls Retreats and FART’s (Fabric Acquisition Road Trips).  She was a member of a group called the Strippers, which did peak my interest somewhat until I learned more about it. Trust me guys, it wasn’t worth the unnecessary use of one Viagra pill.  They go to wineries on these so-called retreats and come back with wine and a ton of fabric to provide a quilt for every man, woman and child in India.  Inventory control is not a word they understand, or a word they choose to follow.  Yet 7,000 years of quilt projects stack up in the 8 closets and attic of my house.

My wife wants what’s called a long arm, which at first I thought sounded kinky, but soon learned it was associated with quilts, and is a machine that actually does the quilting part.  The thing is that this long arm is computer controlled and is 14 feet long.  We don’t have space, so she wants a building built to house her “hobby.”  When I ask how much money she would make, she laughs – I don’t. So, now I have at least 50 varying sizes and shades quilts in my home. If the next ice age does come, I can at least cover up and suffocate from the weight of the quilts, which is estimated at 6 trillion pounds, or the same as all National Geographic magazines ever printed.  Under all that weight you could not reach that Viagra pill even it you wanted to. Why quilts aren’t discussed in birth control classes amazes me. Quilting was never meant to be an aphrodisiac.

Then there are the sewing machines, attachments, guides, and cutters.  My God they have more tools than we guys ever thought of.  She has a Husqvarna!  Even I don’t have anything from Husqvarna.  Some of these quilts hang on the walls, others are stuffed into our dog’s bed and she even made a jacket out of some of the fabric.  Now why she can’t invent a quilt negligee or baby doll is beyond my comprehension.  Think how rich she’d get and how few Viagra pills would be needed if she was the first to create an erotic quilting line, starting with the Husqvarna Hottie line of seductive quilts.  Come on ladies we need innovation to jump start this 21st century economy.  Get creative and get your man out of the lazy boy and off this blog, romance awaits!  All you have to do is wear a skimpy quilt and pronounce in a low seductive tone the word – Husqvarna  You can also find centerfolds in QuiltBoy Magazine, such as the one below.

Husqvarna Hottie

Next month I cover the art of seduction with 50 Shades of Scrapbooking.  Ooooh Babeeee!


One comment on “The Female Code – October 2012 Edition (50 Shades of Quilts)

  1. […] the quilts she had stacked up.  Does this sound familiar my loyal followers?  Refer back to my Female Code – October 2012 Edition. I’ll have see if my wife’s Doomsday inventory of quilts are starting to smell like […]

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