Bathing Suit Bod

Right here, right now it is time for me to get in shape for a bathing suit bod. Unfortunately I have gained weight by overeating and drinking during the cold winter. Then tax season keeps me sitting on my rump absorbing calories while looking for deductible expenses and eating doo-dads. Well, at least calories sound better than fat! Some of my doo-dads fell down into client files for next year’s snacking (just kidding although I worked for a man who did this very thing).

Yes I’ve added fat to my mid-section. Just call me an assistant of the Michelin man or super tire tubby, whichever you prefer, or some new creative description. I can take it. So fire away. It has become so bad, that if I completely relax my abs, it looks like I am carrying twins – hubba hubba! This is not the kind of man you want to see on the beach with a Speedo. It can cause serious damage to your eyes, damage children for life and create global anarchy. Furthermore, I was a weight lifter in my youth and now I have man cleavage, requiring a B cup. It is not pretty, I assure you. Just imagine a man running down the beach like Bo Derek did in the movie “10.” Again, retinal damage, kids that cannot sleep and World War III should be avoided at all costs.

My wife and I are taking a trip to Florida for a week to soak in the sun, and look for seashells for our coastal theme house in landlocked Oklahoma. I just might buy a puka shell necklace, like the one I had in the 70’s when I had long hair, 12 pack abs, firm pecs and smoking gun biceps, which is how I attracted my wife. Today, it is more like receding hairline, a keg gut, drooping pecs and flopping biceps. Need more graphic detail? I didn’t think so.

But, I have to be intelligent about it. If I wait until after I come back to exercise, then I will have the beach to myself as all the young hip crowd will flock 50 miles away to recover from their sudden illness. However, this just might mean that there will be thousands of stressed out, pregnant looking CPA’s on the beach with me. Egads! Be careful what you ask for. I can see it now. A new beach with middle-aged CPA’s all flexing (well, flopping really) their muscles to impress their wives, who simply can’t wait to get home for that grass to be mowed.

We were in Hawaii in 1986. I was young and studly back then. My wife and I looked at all the older people from California and Europe in Speedos and bikinis. I remember the damage to my eyes to this very day. Fast forward 26 years and now I know what the young crowd will be saying and thinking.

Tell me what you see and think about when you go to the beach?

This entry was posted in Humor.

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