I’m not ready AARP – enough already!

Once you turn 50 you begin to receive unsolicited membership packages from AARP. You know them -they are the group that advocates and sells products to old people. Hey! AARP – read my Blog! I am not OLD yet! I’m properly seasoned, like a fine filet mignon. Yet my shredder is getting tired of the member cards I keep receiving, even though I NEVER SIGNED UP! What does it take for their database to finally get it? I’m not interested!

The day that I need Life Alert’s “Help I’ve fallen and can’t reach my beer!” is the day I will sign up. The day I retire is when I’ll give you a call. But at the speed my trilogy is selling, I’ll die at my desk writing the last sentence of the last book to my complete mythology. Then I’ll join.

Age is a frame of mind, not the turning of a birth date. I was still playing basketball and flag football when I turned 50. Try prospecting your potential members first with the following questions:

  1. Do you own a hover round?
  2. Do you have a walker?
  3. Do you have a catapult Lazyboy?
  4. Do have handy wipes near the toilet?
  5. Do you find yourself screaming frequently for people to speak up?
  6. Do you buy Ensure in bulk at Sam’s Club?
  7. Do you clap on and clap off?
  8. Do you have a cabinet full of little blue pills?
  9. Do you look forward to your social meetings during your colonoscopy?
  10. Has Raisin Bran replaced Coco Puffs as your morning meal?
  11. Do you frequent $4.99 all you can eat buffets?
  12. Do you look forward to seeing Barry Manilow in Vegas?
  13. Do you own a Jitterbug phone?

This might help you save millions in unnecessary paper and postage expense, and lower your member’s fees. As you can see, I can answer each question with a resounding “NOOOO!” Now if you want to help me sell my stories, then call again.

Tell me reader – what will it take to finally convince you that you are indeed old? Be nice now.

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This entry was posted in Humor.

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