Okay, I admit to not caring for vampire stories. It seems everyone is on the over-loaded wagon to write a story about one with just a slight twist to the original story. We have vampire bats, but how come there are no vampire Chinchillas? Surely there is an audience for this twist on the story. I know Chinchillas are feeling a little discriminated against…well, they and squirrels. I actually have dreams of the squirrel I killed playing golf coming back and haunting me as a zombie. He had big teeth and tore me a new one, so to speak. But I digress.
I read on Twitter a new story about a vampire stripper. I suppose vampire strippers don’t do stake dances. I also imagine the moment you try to stuff a dollar bill into her G-string is when you get bitten. I call that false advertising. If the sign states they have “Red Cold-blooded Strippers!” you might chose the other fine “gentlemen’s” (wink, wink) club on the opposite corner.
Would a story on a vampire accountant be exciting? I can just see the CPA going ballistic as the tax client cuts a finger while sifting through the expense receipts box. Or how about a vampire lawyer? We know they are already blood sucking leeches, but spin it and make it exciting – just make sure the fine print disclosure is read first. How about the vampire IRS agent? Oh wait, that is the origin of a blood, life and soul sucking creature from hell.
Not too long ago a guy in Texas was arrested. I swear to you, on my blood, this is a true story. “I’m a vampire and I’ve been alive for over 500 years,” said 19-year-old Lyle Monroe Bensley who broke into the apartment of a woman he did not know wearing only boxer shorts and made his way to her bedroom. He reportedly made growling and hissing noises while biting and striking the woman in her bed. “He was begging us to restrain him because he didn’t want to kill us,” Galveston Officer Daniel Erickson said. “He said he needed to feed.” This story, if you spin it just right can be titled the “Attack of the Clozapine Deprived Boxer Clad Snake Wolf Vampire.” I wonder if he sparkled and the woman now wants to wed him as soon as he is released from prison. Oh and how about the love affairs he has with his prison mates? Inquiring minds want to know. But I digress yet again.
The possibilities for vampire stories are limitless. I am actually working on vampire spoof story, so I guess I just jumped on that bloated bandwagon. But never underestimate the power of a vampire Chinchilla. There have been many others and authors who have scoffed at the powers of furry and fierce rodents and not lived to tell the tale. I have actual footage of one incident right here. I swear this is a true story, officially caught on film.