Doggie Diva

I have a four-year old rescued golden retriever. Her name is Ruby. She is a doggie diva. She is too smart for her own good. Let me explain.

My day with Ruby begins with me getting on my hands and knees to coax her to go outside and do her business. Once she does her number one duty we head back inside. There I pour her kibble of venison and sweet potato due to her special diet. Then I add frozen blueberries to assist her low immune system. Oh no, she can’t eat that just yet! Once my coffee is poured and I begin to sit down, she tells me she is prairie-dogging (from National Lampoon’s Vacation). So we head outside again for that dooty! Why she can’t expunge all her contents at once I don’t understand. So now we go back inside and the food in her bowl is only digestible now if I add the special blueberry treats on top of everything else. She is a doggie diva!

Now after gulping and crunching her meal like a two year old eating chocolate covered sugar bombs, she rushes next to me (not my wife) and proceeds to belch her meal in approval of the meal. She rests on my feet and leans against my leg so I can’t escape her. IF I vary in my routine she stares me down and waits for me to sit down. She is a doggie diva!!

Now satisfied with this part of her ritual it is time for her idea of “play.” But let me tell you, she has not one gene in her body that “retrieves” anything. That’s my job. She is a doggie diva!!!

Last week my wife went on a ladies retreat and left me with Ruby. Ruby is my dog by morning, but my wife’s by evening. She wants to go for a walk. However, her idea of a walk is to take ten steps and then smell the light poll for all the visitors that have passed before her. Ten steps more and there is something in the bushes. We don’t walk, – this is a joke. This is her social section of the day. She is a doggie diva!!!!

Most of the times she will jump in the pool to cool off, but she needs someone near her with words of comfort before entering. Golden’s are supposed to love water and to retrieve things from water. Not this dog. She is a doggie diva!!!!!

During the evening, she is almost keenly aware to remind me to brush her. I will not be surprised if she eventually learns to retrieve the brush. She is a doggie diva!!!!!!

Finally, my day ends with coaxing her to go to her bed. Sometimes I have to hoist up her 70 pound frame. She is a doggie diva!!!!!!!

Someday I am going to learn that I am the master, the pack leader, the doggie whisperer. In the meantime she looks at me and I swear she is thinking “Hush and pick up my dooty! That spot is not suitable for this diva, you fool.”

So how does your pet act to convince you that you are the slave?

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This entry was posted in Humor.

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