Squirrel APB’s

I joke endlessly about the squirrel I actually killed while playing golf. It’s how I deal with the tragedy. Squirrels are amazing rodents. They taunt and haunt me. Many years ago while living near Dallas, TX a band of squirrels found a way into the eaves of the house and eventually into the wall crawl space. Now squirrels are over-sexed. They have sex three to four times a night in the wall crawl space – whilst keeping awake this king and his queen most of the night in HIS castle. So I had to do something about it because the spot where the rodents had found the way in was just big enough to poke their heads out and they would stare down at me. They were taunting me, “Now go away you silly kniggit, or I shall taunt you a second time!” (Image this sentence with an outrageous French accent.)

First, I bought fox urine, thinking the smell of their mortal enemy would scare them off. Now any urine smells, but fox urine…Holy Cow! You’d think the smell alone would evict the little rodents. It didn’t. I think it became an aphrodisiac for them.

Second, I bought humane traps and loaded them up with peanut butter. All this did was to empower the little rascals. They’d chatter on the roof top issuing All Points Bulletins (APB’s) on my latest trap. I swear some of those chatters sounded like laughter.

Third, I bought poison that supposedly they would ingest. That didn’t work either, just more APB’s were chattered (laughed) out.

Finally, I had to call animal enforcement and was given the go ahead to shoot the squirrels with a pellet gun. Yes, I had to shoot them; they were causing damage to the house and could spark an electrical fire. So the only place for me to gain an advantage was to set up a sniper position out of my son’s second story bedroom window and pick them off as they scrambled across the roof.

Do you know how odd it might appear to your neighbors when you are seen aiming with a rifle out a second story window? The first squirrel that came into my sight halted immediately stared at me and made a chatter that sounded a lot like “Oh Crap!” Well over a period of five weeks, the squirrel band of gypsies finally decided to move on. A few weeks later they were replaced with a hive of honey bees. It was my turn to yell, “Oh Crap!”

So next time you hear a bunch of squirrels chattering in your neighborhood, know that it could be an APB for author EW Greenlee and you might want to stay away from second story windows.

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