Man Club – March 2012 Edition (Birth Control for Men)

Today I nearly laughed my hiney off. A fellow author and tweep on Twitter suggested that there be a birth control pill for men. I suggested it was impossible since men neither read, follow instructions, or take directions. She replied if it was shaped like a breast or a tool, it would be effective. I replied, “You are a Genius!” She would make an excellent pharmaceutical sales representative!

Finally, a man replied and made if very obvious why we don’t take a pill. Here’s the short list:

  1. Do you really want TWO bitchy people in the household?
  2. Do you want your husband or boyfriend to have larger breasts?
  3. Would you really like your man to want you to just listen to HIS feelings?
  4. Do you need him asking you to critique HIS waist and gluteals?
  5. Do you really need frequent emotional breakdowns by your man?
  6. Can you afford the increased budget on weight control products?

As you can see ladies, it sounds logical to have a pill for men. Keeping us simple is a blessing – trust me.

After two children I had a vasectomy. Why spend endless amounts on pills? A little snip-snip and it’s done. It is not painful. No more worrying and waiting. In those Viagra and Cialis commercial, where the couple gets aroused ideas in their minds while washing dishes, there’s no thought of control – it’s play time!

Washing dishes, seriously? How about trimming the shrubbery? That’s romantic, you bet. Mowing the lawn and weed whacking, sure, I always see my wife at the front door in a negligee winking and blowing kisses at me. Now who in the world comes up with these goofy commercials?

Now the female tweep replies back: “Chemistry wasn’t my thing in college.” Well, not mine either except on the perfect Margarita mix ratio. Sales reps need not know chemistry, it’s just sales. Tell men what they want to hear. Tell them it’s Love Potion Number 9 and, after flipping some Brats on the grill, your wife will not be able to control herself.

Now since men do not read so there is no need to point out the 30 minute spiel on side effects: loss of hearing, numbness, gluteal cramping, eye twitching, heart palpitations, priapism lasting longer than 3 weeks, skin discoloring and death. We only need the 30 second sound bite and make it sound like a scene out of the Lord of the Rings, The Return of the King:

“Fun deeds await. Ride now, ride now! Go forth and fear no darkness. Death!” You see – we men are all into sacrifice. Oops, my wife just saw this post and told me to go mow the lawn.

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