In my March Female Code commentary, I created the newest monster in the long line of Japanese monsters from all the post WWII nuclear testing. Now just to have some fun, pretend you are two seconds behind as the lips are already moving, but my words come later. None of those Japanese monsters are as insidious as my creation “Lady Gagagozilla.” If it is possible for Godzilla to be hen-pecked, then Lady Gagagozilla is the one to do it. That’s why he spends so much time underwater or hidden in mountains. Now imagine an army of Japanese scientists trying to communicate with the “Lady” and attempting to control her thoughts. It’s impossible, I know, but that’s what makes science fiction and fantasy writing my favorite genre. It doesn’t have to make sense or have any logic whatsoever.
But what if Lady Gagagozilla had competition? That’s where my next monster creation comes into play, Queen Quong (pronounced Kwong.) Yes, a giant female asian-speaking ape. Now apes are more intelligent than lizards, so Lady Gagagozilla and Quong are about to duke it out over, you guessed it, Keith Urban. My God, this is genius writing, a pewhowister prize award waits for me for sure! Japanese scientists have kidnapped Keith and are dangling him via helicopter to draw Lady Gagazozilla out of the trendy Rodeo Drive as shopkeepers yell out in angry asian tone “You no come here, you sift through bahgain rack, make big mess, and you no buy!” They draw the Zilla across the desert heading for Las Vegas. But, unbeknownst to the Zilla, there sits Quong enjoying a peaceful Margarita at Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo Cantina. She notices Keith dangling precariously with hair flowing gently in the wind and his blue eyes sparkle towards her. He pleads for her with his newest hit “Tonight I’m Gonna Die.” This is when Quong goes into action, her arms flailing, and attacks Zilla. “You leave my Keith alone, you no come here, you scaly lizard!”
Now at this point, Keith and the Japanese scientists are all sitting at Cabo Wabo Cantina watching the fight of the century and placing odds on the victor. The battle goes back and forth until both insidious monsters realize all the men are just staring and enjoying their fighting. This is when the monsters unite and lay siege upon and permanently and utterly defeat the men. There defeated, the men acquire tickets to Celine Dion’s 4-hour medley of love songs at Caesar’s Palace. Keith, now captive of the Zilla, looks at her and says, “My darling, you look absolutely irradiated tonight!” Quong, now surrounded by a bevy of Japanese men all trying to look at their iPhones, snaps at them sharply “You no watch sports, you watch Celine, I slap you in head!”
As I was writing for the men to finally win, my wife walks in. Lady Tyrannosuarus reads a bit and says: “You change story, you no go there, or I slap you in head!” Well so much for my attempt to create the next big monster movie series. It’s tough being a man in these days. Sigh…