Of Money and Evil

Even though I am now a wildly successful published author, I have spent 31 years in the business of accounting for and advising on money management.  Money is the root of all evil.  Ever notice the single eye above the pyramid staring back at you on your dollar bill? It’s pure evil I tell you, evil.  We spend our entire lives trying to attain wealth and when we achieve it, we immediately build the Keep at Helm’s Deep to slay the attacking blood sucking vampires.The IRS is in fact the only organization in human history known to squeeze blood out of a turnip.
Remember the New York woman who gave millions to her dogs? It’s because money makes people evil and dogs just lick your face no matter what your worth. But try to skip their $1,000 caviar doggie nips and watch out, CUJO! Then there is Madoff.  How does one build a billion dollar pyramid scheme without slaves?  Evil aliens, that’s how.  They also were instrumental in those pyramids in Egypt.  Then there are the lottery winners.  The vast majority are penniless in less than a year.  How about those evil trust fund babies?  I don’t know about you, but trusting babies with funds is just a bad idea.  Evil infants like Damian in the Omen with Satan’s credit card just plain scare me.

Money once was gold coin, then the greenback, and now it is electronic digits of 0 and 1.  My account balance in binary code is 00000001.  So instead of physically robbing a rich person, evil entrepreneurs are now just hacking their computers, the federal reserve, and the international monetary fund. If hackers only put as much effort into making money as stealing money, they’d be just as rich.  So why don’t they?  Because they are afraid of being hacked, that’s why.  So do hackers create anti-hacking unhackable hacker software?  Evil is as evil does.  I say bring back public beheadings for hackers.  Oh and charge admission, then someone new could get rich.  This is the top franchising opportunity for 2012, trust me.  But, on the flip-side, there would be no Geeks to service our computers.  Okay bad idea, flip-flop.

Then there is family. Mention the word inheritance and kids go insanely evil.  Parents, please be safe and hire a professional food taster.  This is my next top franchising idea.  If the tester employee dies before you create a paycheck or contribute to the 401(k), the profit margin will be astronomical.  Oh that’s good, oh, I mean evil.  It creates jobs and solves the unemployment issue all at the same time.  I should run for president.

So as you contemplate the evils of money from this post, you can rest assured that I am the only person on earth that will protect you from it (evil that is).  So rid yourself of evil’s influence by sending me 90% of your wealth to the following:

EW Greenlee, Esquirrel
666 Pyramid Circle Square
Grand Cayman Islands
☺♥☻ (Code for I’m getting a nice tan)

So what is your most evil franchise for 2012?

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This entry was posted in Humor.

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