Night of the Review Stalker

I wonder if other independent authors ever feel like a stalker when they ask readers for a review. You have to admit it would make a good premise to a book – “Night of the Review Stalker.” Stephen King wrote “Misery” about a psycho nut-job fan. So what would it be like to have a completely psycho nut-job author who hunts down bad reviewers or those that won’t post a review? Hmmm, novel premise number 16,255

Should I send Tweets to people I know who have read my book and haven’t provided a review:

#Bob, watch your every move. Write a #Review or suffer the #Misery! #Bwahahaha

Should I secretly video private affairs with my 4G phone and post them on YouTube?

Should I bully on Facebook?

No, this would all be anti-social social media, something even I haven’t stooped to. Yet. I’m just kidding or am I? I’ll keep you guessing. Oh and I own a sledge-hammer, axe and chainsaw. They might call me the “Okie sledgehammer chainsaw massacre psycho.” Oh that’s good, premise number 16,256.

All an author wants is a simple review of their story so that they can improve upon their skills. As an employee, you want an evaluation so you can move up the pay scale and be promoted. This is exactly what an author is trying to accomplish. I just want to be rated on the same scale as JK Rowling or at least 1/1,000 of a percent – I’m not greedy, I swear it! You see, your review is more convincing than all my marketing efforts. You make or break me, so be gentle please. You have the power to send me to the next level. You like power and influence, don’t you? Of course you do!

So if you feel like I am stalking you, I apologize. But if you don’t review my trilogy soon, me and a legion of stalking authors will make you wish zombies were after you. Oh, that’s a good one too, premise number 16,257. As Jimmy Durante once said, “I gotta million of em, ah cha cha cha!”

My wife can vouch for that!

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This entry was posted in Humor.

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