3 Things to Never Say to a Husband of a Pregnant Woman

I read a blog http://goo.gl/aDlhX regarding three things never to say to a pregnant woman. This post was hilarious and thought provoking. However, it took me back 27 years to the birth of my son and the glorious experience of child birth. So, providing equality (and good fun) I thought I would reply from the perspective of the opposite sex. Drum roll please!

#1 This is all your fault!

Now what a minute! I recall a Christmas party where Sangria was served and this led to that fabulous night of creation that you wanted! I was just a willing participant – very willing. It was the best night of my life, I truly mean it. That is why up to this day, my wife does not go near Sangria. It is my torture for getting her pregnant. Remember – I did it!

#2 It Was Easy for You!

Oh please, for nine months I was a doting husband taking on extra chores and being very patient. I took the classes, learned how to breathe correctly and gave as many massages as I could. I was a King to my Queen. Then the delivery came. Let me say this as politically correct as possible – it was pure hell! I mean it. Half-way through all that breathing training placed into action, the baby monitor stops working so I couldn’t time the contractions very well. My wife, obviously in pain, begins cursing and the nuns in the Mercy Health Center in Oklahoma City are coming by to ask her to quiet down. HA! They do not know my wife. As my wife digs her claws into my arm at each contraction, I begin to lose circulation to my fingers and my body temperature from the stress has to be 103. All my words of comfort are rebutted with profanities. “This is your fault @!$#$%^!” Finally, the nuns bring a priest who just wants to make sure my Queen is not giving birth to Damian and helpfully provides a 30-second complimentary exorcism. Or maybe that was the unexplained bandage charge on the hospital bill.

In the delivery room the doctors give my wife a saddle block, not so they could ride her, but to control the pain she was in and not scare off other mothers to be, who were now running out of the hospital. They had to perform an episiotomy on her. After she delivered my son and had somewhat recovered from her trauma, we went home in two days. That night both my son and wife decide to get sick at 2 a.m. She had uncontrollable shaking from her fever and my son apparently had something called colic. Yes sir, I had it so easy.

#3 Let’s do it again!

Are you insane woman? Read #1 and #2 again, refresh your memory that child birth has stripped away from you. I still bear the scars. The exorcist still comes by for a regular visit, just as a professional courtesy and the nuns requested a transfer to Tibet. No, no, put that bottle of Sangria away you she-devil banshee shape shifting shadow of horror!! Well, being a man called to duty, I caved and we had a daughter three years later and it was a breeze this time. But do I get any credit for that one? Of course not.

In all sincerity, child birth and their raising is not for wimps. I have two beautiful children, now adults. It takes a dedication of both mother and father to fight a war from birth to adulthood so that they can become your closest friends. It is a war of love that your children will only understand when they experience their own.

Just stay away from Sangria – that’s my best advice.

This entry was posted in Humor.

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