The Female Code – February 2012 Edition

I like to banter and rile up my female friends and fans. Why? Because they supply me with a lot of good stuff for writing.

Secondly, if the apocalypse ever arrives I’ll have an army of women by my side. “Hell hath no fury, like a woman without coffee and chocolate” or something like that.

Third, they like to talk and blog, so I get a lot of hits on this site and stones are thrown into my yard. If I get enough stones, I’ll never have to mow again. I’m a CPA, so I’m always looking to save costs.

Finally, what man doesn’t want to be surrounded by women? “Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil, because all my lady friends are in front.” Go back to the second reason to understand my military strategy.

I’ll be honest guys; I tried to read “Twilight”. It was research into the minds of women to determine what they like in a story. With millions of books sold, movies and a glow-in-the-dark Edward doll on the market, I thought it was well worth a try for all the ancillary revenue streams. I made it as far as the chapters that read as the pages turned into months. Some might find that brilliant writing, but I felt as though I had just lost that many months trying to read and analyze the first book.

Did I learn the Code? Heck no! I spent more time asking my wife, who had read it all, what it meant. Did she clarify it? Heck no-she didn’t like the books either! So I’m back to square one – clueless. I don’t think even the IBM Watson supercomputer could do it. If HAL was asked to define the Code he’d reply “I have a headache!”, or “Dave, not with ten thousand men could you do such a thing, it is pure folly.” I also listened to the “Red Queen” by Phillipa Gregory on audio books which, I admit, I thoroughly enjoyed. I learned more about women from this story than anything. Why? Because books on tape can’t talk back!!

I was able to scrape off just enough from the comments of my female friends to arm me with the characteristics to the chief woman of evil in my fifth book, Queen Margith. It will be a cocktail of equal shots of pride, envy, lust, greed, wrath, sloth and treachery. The seven deadly sins and Dante’s levels of hell to the exponential power of 3 gives you the idea.

That story will be fun and I know I will be successful either way. Woman will either cheer for the good woman, Queen Tamylla, or enough rocks will cover my yard before summer gets here. You’ll either be team Margith or team Tamylla. You see, you have to have multiple strategies when dealing with the female code.

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