As I mentioned in an earlier post, I thought the acronym OMG stood for “Oh My Groin” because I originated it, I swear. I promised to go into detail to give you a sense of my fellow men’s pain.
My first OMG moment was when I was learning to ride my first ten speed bicycle. I was fascinated by the changing gears, so much so that by the time I looked up it was too late. I had collided with a parked car and OMG! I hit the steel handle bars as I went flying onto the auto’s trunk and back glass. Now, I was young so I was pleading for help in uber-falsetto. So as I was lying there, recovering my voice and breath, people in cars drove by and just laughed their hiney’s off at my predicament. Too bad YouTube did not exist – I’d be an instant hit with a gazillion hits at the very first OMG moment.
My second OMG moment dealt with the male bonding experience of a fist fight. I had played all macho with another school mate and I was challenged to a fight. Now, being old-fashioned I believed all fights to be orderly and between gentleman. Each guy took one hit to the face until somebody went down. Wrong, my opponent, not as chivalrous as I, decided on a laser guided, surgically and strategically planted tip of his cowboy boot in my groin which was more appropriate to ending the battle soon. My falsetto returned as I lay helplessly on the ground pleading for assistance. Yet another YouTube moment lost forever. But, using your imagination, you get the point. Recall “Bohemian Rhapsody” where the falsetto lyrics should have been (please sing along with me):
“Oh mama mia, oh mama mia,
I just got kicked where I go pia”
I have forewarned you of my warped sense of Monty Python humor. I could do this all day. But then my wife would give me a new OMG memory and record it for YouTube. She’d get rich and famous while I would just have a permanent falsetto.
My next OMG moment should make every woman on planet earth happy. In college I was a weight lifter, studly and manly enough to attract my wife with bulging biceps, glutes, etc, etc. Unfortunately, I also developed a bulging hemorrhoid. However, I knew nothing of such a thing and immediately went to see a doctor thinking it might be a tumor. The doctor and the nurse simply laughed and told me it was a ‘roid. They proceeded to spread my legs and place them in a stirrup. Next thing I know, OMG, OMG, OMG they are cutting it out! I felt as though I was giving birth, even though I certainly have no idea of that sensation. Now I was uber-uber-falsetto and begging for dear life (sing along time again):
“Oh mama mia, oh mama mia,
don’t let the knife slip near my pia”
I had already been circumcised as an infant and it didn’t need it again. When I saw what I had given birth to was no more than a pebble, I thought to myself “you wuss”. William Wallace could endure being drawn and quartered and still retain a steady voice. But, they didn’t go near his groin in the movie.
Finally, a vasectomy was in order when it was obvious that I could not afford more than two children, and being chivalrous and not wanting to experience “The Exorcist III” with my wife giving birth, I decided to forsake my groin one last time. This time the OMG moment was softened with anesthesia.
So next time you read a Blog, Tweet or text message, just know I invented the acronym OMG and please use it correctly.