Author Groupies

Do authors have groupies? I’d like to know so I can hire my security team in advance. I was commenting on Facebook with a friend who is a musician. We discussed who in the band gets rushed first. Well, it’s always the lead singer with the torn pants. He always wears the same pants for the next mob attack. Those pants were secretly engineered to last a season on tour. Then its the lead guitarist, bass player, drummer and keyboard guy is last. That’s what my friend is – a keyboard player.

So who gets rushed in the star filled world of publishing? Does the agent have a contract provision for that? Does the publisher hold back 50 of the first 100 rushers? Does the retailer have first rights of refusal with all else going to the author? I’d really like to know. I want to protect all intellectual rights, and ahem… the fringe benefits.

Should I expect a mob at my very first book signing? Will they look like those girls with the poofed up hair of the 80’s rock videos in red skin-tight leather outfits? Boy, do I hope so! Or, since my trilogy is fantasy adventure, will most look like Star Trek fans looking for any party to crash?

I tried learning to play the guitar in the 1970’s so that I could experience the groupie scene. Alas, with no talent comes no groupies. I tried to be an expert accountant and, well let me say as politely as I can, you don’t want to be a superstar accountant. It’s not a pretty sight.

So now, at age 52, I venture into the world of writing and have no expectations. I think my wife of 31 years might give a gift certificate and free book to any groupie who would just take me. But this leads me to another question which I will explore in another ‘Female Code Edition’. Have all of you ladies seen those rockers now? You know the ones – bald heads, round guts, and saggy eyes? I am convinced if you put a wig on a guy, along with tight leather black pants, spray on some sweat and strap a guitar to him you will have instant rocker groupies (sounds like a cereal). I am hoping, if I stand tall with a book in my hand and a smile on my face, I’ll be rushed by my groupies and sent to the hospital. When the emergency room doctors ask me what happened, I’ll proudly say,

“I’ve got groupies, dude!”


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