The Coffee is Talking

I am a nerd. I freely admit it. I have forewarned you. I love goofiness and writing about it. The Lord of the Rings is my favorite story of all time, but I have a complete blast thinking of parodies. I owe this to Monty Python’s Flying Circus and the Holy Grail as the corrupting force to my soul. I think Red Skelton once said that if him playing a clown made you laugh, then he did his job. Well, I like to make people laugh, cry and think. And speaking of thinking, it is not a possibility until I have had at least one full pot of coffee – Colombian Supremo. Black, no sugar, sweetener, half-and-half, or pinch of whatever. If I wanted hot cocoa, I’d make hot cocoa. It is far cheaper. If you put anything in coffee, it is no longer coffee.

Consider this, if the One Ring had diamonds in it, would Gollum still be hissing “precioussss?” Or, would he be taking it to the nearest SauronZales and demand the engagement to evil come with a larger diamond, because the dwarves’ diamonds were bigger? Would he call it his “Bling, bling, bling?” Somehow it just doesn’t sound right does it? I forewarned you. “We swears to the bling, bling, bling!” If Samwise Gamgee brewed a pot of “Mocha Latte Espresso Java Killer”, Gollum would be looking all disgusted and saying “Eh, what’s Mocha Latte Espresso Java Killer, eh, bling, bling, bling?” Then he’d spit at Sam and I’d join into say, “He wastes it, bling, bling bling. Stupid fat Hobbit!”

Now every morning for 31 years (I forewarned her, too) my wife has had to put up with this nerdiness and lovingly refers to me as the “Chatty Cathy Doll.” I call out for “precious” and she inflicts me with some form of verbal abuse but she, too is useless until she has had a Mocha Latte Espresso Java Killer. I simply reply to her verbal abuse, “It’s only a flesh wound!” and continue with my rambling. So if you are like my wife and are ready to choke me, I do have a defense.

“The coffee made us do it! It is talking to us; it was the bling, bling, bling!”

This entry was posted in Humor.

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