The Other “F” Word – Cute Litte Babies (They Grow Up)

That Came From Me?

Have you ever wondered why flatulence from babies are so funny and lovable, but not adults?  I do, because its discrimination I tell you.  I am in a discriminated class of citizen and I demand my rights!!!  I digress as usual.

My grandson just turned four months old a few weeks ago.  He is one cute boy.  Even his poo and gas are cute merely from the facial and body motions he makes.  He grimaces, clinches his fist and stretches out like Superman getting ready to launch.  Then he launches the raunchy.  GiGi (my wife) then gets the call of dooty duty.  Sorry, I did my time with my two kids.  I didn’t have them so that I could relive those moments with their kids, no matter how cute they are. Their generation has to get their hands dirty like the rest of mankind’s history.  And their ain’t no app for that.

I can make faces too if people want. Would that help?  Maybe we need a flatulence facial alarm system.  Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket.  Little subtle facial expressions to forewarn people of the coming doom and gloom.  Babies do it!  We just fail to recognize the facial alarm signals.  Here are two I clearly recognize.

Tummy Time Turbo Turbulence Alarm

Gerber Peas and Broccoli Alarm

Now aren’t they just precious?  They almost remind me of Gollum trying to solve a riddle in the dark.  Why should babies be allowed to have all the fun and cuteness?

Even politicians do it.  They hold all the power in the world in their hands and sometimes in their bowels.

An Inconvenient Truth Alarm

The W – WMF Alarm

Stars do it.  They make millions being uncouth and disgusting.

Passing Out Passing Alarm

Just About Bustin Out Justin Alarm

Why should the ordinary masses be precluded from doing it?  We have every right to pass gas and have a gasser of a laugh.

One Haggis Too Many Alarm

Triple Flutter Blast Alarm

I write to make people think and to make people laugh.  We do too little of this in these days and times. I urge you to slow down, turn off the TV and go out in public.  Use your smartphones to take photos of people whose faces are giving off alarms.  Then laugh about them in private. Oh, and then send me the photos.  There is surely a face that needs a new alarm name.

Oh the Absurdity of People

Abner, it’s that weird author running around naked again. I’m gonna file an assault charge.

I could write something about the absurdity of people every single day.  We simply have to read the news and within 30 seconds you can find the insane.  Here’s a example hot from today’s headlines

Sexual assault charges filed against man for being naked in his own home

It appears a woman was exposed to his indecent exposure on four separate times. She even videotaped his nudity and actions.  You can read all the sorted details if you like.

Now this sounds to me like contributory absurdity – to complain about someone else, instead of turning the cheek and minding your own business.  I’ve walked around naked in my house many times looking for clean laundry or just trying to cool off.  My wife is a cold-natured person and her need to have our interior environment on equality of the planet Mercury is about to suffocate me.  Sometimes without my knowledge she opens our blinds after I shower and I’ll stroll by, and then run by to prevent exposing myself to the general public.  Her response when I complain about my involuntary exposure, “No one can see you!”

You wanna bet?  Read this article madam.  Our next door neighbors may be watching with binoculars and a video camera.  Just ready to file charges that might cost me thousands of dollars and public humiliation.  Besides I am no longer a stud, like I was in my 20’s and 30’s.  If I was, then I’d be cooperating with my neighbors like movie stars and social butterflies, like the Cardsharkians who pimp themselves out for everything, to make a few bucks.  But I am 53, which means I went from stud to dud in 60 seconds flat.  This is why they file assault charges.  Filming duds causes irreparable eye and brain damage.  They will also file punitive damages from my puny appearance.  It’s insane I tell you.

Now that I have informed my wife about this news article, I’m afraid that in the days to come I’ll answer the door and I’ll be served to appear in court for visual sexual assault.  Who is the complainant?  My wife, who insists the 10,000 times I’ve run around naked has done her irreparable harm.

I don’t know why I torture myself reading the news.  It gets more absurd with each passing second.  Have a nice day.

Adventures in Sleep

Innocent Wife Asleep

Do you know how hard it is to find an image of a man awakened by a snoring wife?  It’s impossible!  It’s a media conspiracy to make all men look like villains.  Last night was an adventure for sure.  I awoke at 1:30 am for a bladder alarm call, then limped my way back to bed.  I can never go back to sleep immediately.  Some nights I sleep like a rock and a I dream a lot.  Then when I can’t sleep I day-dream, a lot.  This is what I call my “creative” time.  I will think of everything, including, but not limited to:

1. Sex (You knew that was coming asleep or not)
2. Popcorn
3. Epic battles
4. Spreadsheets (Yes, sick I know)
5. What time it is
6. Book characters
7. Puppies
8. Sex

I’ll rollover and see that it is now 1:45 am.  So I try real hard to concentrate on sleeping by counting sheep, then my mind opens up a spreadsheet to tabulate the results.  See!  I told you it was sick.  I nodded off and then tried to roll over, but my arm wasn’t coming with me.  I discovered that I had unleashed the mattress cover and had my arm trapped under it.  After untangling myself my ever so lovely wife begins with her snoring.  I nudge her gently so that she will stop and normally she does.  Not this night, just when I was about to fall asleep again she started up again like a Walrus in heat.  This time I nudged her a little more sternly.  She awoke and sat up staring at me.

I told her I was going to make her sleep on the couch like that commercial where the snoring man has to get a plastic 7th grade football mouthpiece that they now call a snoring device.  You throw the plastic into boiling water and then shove it in your mouth to mold around your teeth.  This is nothing new folks, you’ve been had.  I just use duct tape – cheap and no boiling necessary.

Well I finally fell asleep and what do you know, the alarm goes off.  Now I tell my wife what happened and she laughed so hard she snorted, yes snorted.  That’s when I told her she sounded like a Walrus in heat.  Men, if you have a snoring wife, never, ever, refer to her noise as coming from an animal of enormous, gigantic, titanic, or leviathan size.  She will become offended. Why?  I have no idea, I was describing the sound, not the image.

My Wife

And this is why you can’t find photos of women snoring. They are too sensitive.  It’s not PC.  Notice the lady above how angelic and goddess like they make her out to be?  This is a lie.  No matter how much we men might suffer in the wee hours of the morning, you are supposed to bow down and kiss the goddess feet of your wife.  That’s after she takes those arctic cold flippers, I mean feet, from your warm thighs.

Then there’s the moments where my wife ventures to my side of the king-sized bed.  Why they call it a king bed, I have no idea.  The queen hogs it all.  Uh oh, I just offended her again.  Sometimes I awaken to find six feet on her side unoccupied and my south 40 acres encroached upon with a Walrus mating call to announce the encroachment.  It’s no wonder I’m always tired.  I am convinced this is why God created coffee for man. Why did he create women?  How can I forget, to give us children. Please shoot me now. Oh, the adventures of sleep.

Do you care or dare to share any adventures about your sleep?

My Phone Misdial Mistress

Mabel – My Misdial Mistress

Sorry folks, I’ve been busy and my brain has been fried.  I read a humor blog today regarding phone actresses and it reminded me of the time I made a simple dialing error.  I am a CPA.  I use tax software.  At one time I used CCH’s ProSystemFX.  Stay with me, I promise its going to be good.  If I needed support I would dial 800-739-9998.  One day I needed support, but I had no idea how much support I was about to get when I misdialed 800-739-9999.  Normally there is a delay and you have to press a bunch of buttons to get to your right party.  Not that day!  I was delivered to excellent service almost immediately.  I was half asleep, as all accountants are during tax season, but boy did I wake up fast when I heard,

“Ooh baby, you’ve called 800 (I won’t repeat what was said), what’s your desire.”

My first thought was, what the hell did I just dial? Then I saw how one little extra 9 made the difference.  But hey, this was my first interaction with a phone actress, so I decided to play along.

“I’m an accountant and I need some dirty code talk.”

“What!”  She seemed rather surprised.

“This is 800-739-9998, extension 9, dirty code talk, isn’t it?”

“Listen buddy this 800-739-9999. I only do (expletives, expletives, expletives)”

“You mean this isn’t Mabel at extension 9? I need dirty code talk and I need it baaaaaaad!” I said desperately and then pulled the phone away a I roared with laughter and almost lost control of my bladder.

“I’ll be Mabel or whoever you wish if you just give me your credit card information,” she said in a sensual and alluring tone.

“Well maybe, but I want a sample.  Pretend you are Mabel and you want some down and dirty depreciation,” I said with a tone of impatience.

“You are one sick @#%$%*^ puppy mister,” she said shocked.

I am sure she has no idea what depreciation is and had no appreciation for my depreciation humor.

“Okay maybe that was a little too forward.  It’s hard for most to take the full section 179 all at once. So Mabel, tell me how I can increase the size of my miscellaneous itemized deductions?” 

“I don’t do this SICK STUFF you perverted $@##@&*!”

CLICK

Well dang!  That was the most fun I have ever had during ANY tax season.  Now I never really knew the phone actresses real name, so Mabel had to do.  I will recall her fondly for the rest of my life because she taught me something that day.

THE TAX CODE IS PERVERTED – Don’t you agree?

I think I’m ready for a new career as a phone actor.

The Other “F” Word – The Devil Made Me Do It

I read the news to stay current with current affairs and to write redundant sentences, such as this current one. I swear you cannot make this stuff up.  It is out of the headlines of our absurd news. This story appeared out of nowhere like a green methane fog.

http://newsok.com/man-sues-bishop-for-failing-to-exorcise-flatulent-demons/article/3782304

Flatulent Demons – that’s right!  It’s now my newest excuse to use on my wife.  It’s the church’s fault that the demon vault has been opened.  Beelzebubblebutt is his namo.  After reading this I am going to the local church and ask for an exorcism. When my affliction remains, I’ll sue for $10 million. I deserve it right? I mean really, I didn’t win honorable mention in the latest Powerball drawing.  I’m entitled to something for my lack of luck in life and high gas pressure content, right?   I have a witness to my possession.  Late at night the grumblings occur and the sheets quake and my wife calls out in agony,

OMG – are you possessed?  What’s inside you?  I swear it’s like a lake of sulfur in here burning my eyes!

See!!!!  I have indisputable corroborating evidence.  Wives never lie! So next time she screams in the darkness, I am going to use a low voice,

This is Beelzebubblebutt, it’s not his fault. Bwahahaha.

She will shake me and I will gently rollover and say, “What?”

There’s a demon in here!

Yes honey I know, I’ve filed motion in the district court against the church.  They failed to exorcise my hiney.

Only you can exercise your hiney. I’m not falling for this for a moment, she says.

Not exercise, like at the gym, like a demon exorcism.  You know the one’s that make millions at the box office?

Well, that’s not funny, now I have to get out of the warm bed and go to the bathroom, you *$(#)#@@!

Geez, humor is so wasted on a wife.  I roll over and then there’s a rumbling, from her side, and a new fog rises, along with the bed. A reddish yellow haze fills the room and I dare take a whiff.

OMG – my eyes, my eyes.  What the *$(#)#@@! was that?

Next thing I know my wife is speaking in tongues – with ten tongues. She twirls her head around and spits pea soup at me.  In a deep and malevolent voice she says,

“My flatulent demon – Assmodeus. Bwahahaha.”

Touche! I high-five her, we have an other-worldly laugh, and I give her a little golden faux Oscar trophy- Winner of Best Special Effects. There’s nothing worse than a showoff wife!  However, when you dare to look on the bright side of life, I now have a class action lawsuit.  Oh, the devil made me do it.

What news article have you read lately that just seemed too unreal and so funny that you accidentally passed a demon?

Fashion Disasters – First Edition

Every month I update a series of monthly humor themes. Those that received the most likes and comments I continue to supply new material.  I scour the internet for inspiration and I realized there is an endless supply for fashion disasters.

Did you know there was a fashion disaster day?  This day is for intentional fashion faux pas.  It’s actually fun until you are photographed at Walmart.

However, there are people who take fashion really, really serious and would slap you harder than General George Patton with a silk glove if you speak ill of their creations.  For instance, what in the world of Milan was the purpose of this next fashion creation?

I love the look on the models face.  I imagine she’s a Swedish model and she asks, “You veally vant me to valk on zee stage vith this zhoo on my head?”  It’s about the new Rhino inspired collection.

Then we have the challenging issue in this day and age with regards to matching outfits for themed based proms.

Eye of Sauron Prom

Welcome to the Eye of Sauron prom – Arlene and Flippy.

If you need comic relief offer, no, beg to be a prom chaperone.  You are guaranteed a good snicker or two. Shazaam!!

Linda Lite Brite
and
Sponge Thunder Bob

Now the next photo, I must forewarn everyone in advance.  This was on one of my lady friends Facebook post.  Just when you think you have seen everything in your life, someone surprises you.  If you are easily grossed out do not proceed down the page.  I beg of you.

Here’s a little hint.  My wife and I were in Honolulu on Waikiki Beach in 1986.  On that beach were Europeans in speedos and bikinis. Now I know this sounds harmless until I further explain that the Europeans were old, wrinkly, overweight and gosh darn it, just not very appealing to the eye or stomach. So, go no further.

Don’t say I didn’t forewarn you!

*

*

*

*

*

You don’t listen well at home do you?

*

*

*

*

*

Have a bicarbonate ready.

*

*

*

*

*

What are you, a masochist?

*

*

*

*

*

You may go blind. No, you will go blind.

*

*

*

*

*

The curiosity is killing you, isn’t it?

*

*

*

*

*

And now for something completely different!

*

*

*

*

*

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

*

*

*

*

*

Four score and seven years ago.

*

*

*

*

*

I’m doubly warning you!!

*

*

*

*

*

Have your trashcan nearby

*

*

*

*

*

Feast your eyes on this bad boy!

*

*

*

*

*

The Gag String
I Warned You!

I have no idea who created this fashion disaster. Were men jealous women had G-String bikinis? Was this taken at some partially nude resort?  Why bother?  Do fashionistas stop this guy and go on and on about his color choices?  I thought my post on Man Flags was so far out in left field, but now I realize if you can imagine it, someone will design it.  My wife wants me to retire to Hawaii.  If this is the scenery I can expect, then Barrow Alaska is looking more promising.

I have said all along that the human race is absurd and thankfully so.  We will never run out of issues to write and regurgitate over.  Have a great weekend.  What!  I warned you several times.

What fashion disaster have you seen lately and did you take a photo?

Apocalypse Monthly – April 2013 Edition (The Password)

Apocalypse Monthly
Signs of the End of the Times

I am old enough to remember the world before the socially impersonal personal computer.  It was a sane world where the only password  needed was the one that gained you access to the guy’s doubly secret tree house (Soon to be the Man Club).  I think “Hate Girls” was the password that we used.  Once in, we looked at Playboy centerfolds that one of the members stole from their dad’s car.  Whoa, that’s not a girl, what is that?  We were doomed from that moment on, because everywhere we went we looked for bunnies in the real world.  They just don’t exist.  But I digress.

Fast forward 40 years and now you have so many applications, excuse me, we have so many apps, that we can’t remember the passwords to them.  You can’t use “Hate Girls” because it’s not very secure and Siri would file a hate crime charge against you.  Even PC’s have become PC.  Oh no, we have to add all kinds of things to our passwords, like three levels of our past history, such as our dog’s name, or the name of the first gross girl you kissed.

Wendy Wobble Wips was her name – how the heck  could anyone forget her! I still have nightmares about that girl.  It’s  a miracle I’m married with children. Kissing her reminded me of being in a car wash. She became a full lip and facial masseuse.  But I digress again.

Then you start to run out of passwords, because you can’t use the same combo or near combo as the past 1,000,000 you just used.  So you look around the room or out the window for clues to your next password that no one can possibly hack.  Here’s a few from today’s password changes:

1. BellyButtonLint2013
2. DustBunny4321BlastOff
3. WindyWendyWhipsWundabaWafflesWithWobbleWips!Q12TuvvWTH
4. 1DeadDriedSpider
5. SquirrelsPlayingWithNuts007
6. SuxNextMensPurseCapris2

And this was just the password crap I had to go through to log into QuickBooks.  What the hell is so Quick about that?  Then my bank wants me to provide a picture that only I will know is my own.  So I provided the photo of Wendy above.  At least my brain will be shocked and possibly knocked back into password retrieval.

I was a consultant during Y2K, I ran test of people’s computers to determine if rolling over to “00” would reset history and kill current time and data. I was somewhat scared of being thrown back into the age of disco. I recall the doomsday press releases: nuclear annihilation, overrunning sewers, yada, yada.  Nothing happen.  I think someone farted and a few people died, but certainly no apocalypse.  Then the Mayan fart came along and yet again, nothing happened.  But I tell you, we are on an unsustainable app password course that will have dire consequences.  Well at least for this month, then I’ll have to reset the passwords to my other 150 applications, excuse me, apps.

Finally, I am reminded of the movie Network, where the guy rants and raves to tell people to run to their windows and scream to the world, “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.” I imagine we are all carrying our computers, tablets and iSmarty phones and hurl them to their silicone deaths, with Siri screaming to the bitter concrete apocalyptic end, when we see the dawn of a new day and NewDayDawn04142013 becomes our password. For tomorrow it becomes WTF-IOWE-IRS-04152013.

What’s the most annoying app security you’ve witnessed?  Come on, share something here.  I won’t SPAM you – much.

Construction Dysfunction

I am a frustrated architect.  I truly wanted to design homes and buildings for a living, but couldn’t pass college physics and calculus.  It just didn’t make any sense.  I should have tried harder because the world is full of idiots.  I have proof right here.  Exhibit #1 (The EU ATM System)

Exhibit #1

How does one prevent a run on banks?  Simple, make them leap for withdrawals.  In this case, the guy has to jump four times to enter his pin.  When completed he gets a timeout message that his transaction cannot be completed and his card is spit out into the EU winds aloft.  Replacement cards take from 4 weeks to 4 years.

Exhibit #2

You’ve heard of the bridge to nowhere?  Well say hello to the WTH Bridge.  Have you ever noticed coming up on a road construction project where there are 18 guys standing around and 1 guy with a shovel?  Seems calculus wasn’t working for this crew of engineers.  Maybe an eye, along with a brain, examination is needed.

Exhibit #3

This must have been a custom dysfunction construction project.  The owner desired to take paper baths instead of sponge baths.

Exhibit #4

I get the concept of bidets, I really do, but this goes beyond dysfunction to the realm of deranged.  I am laying odds this is the new Bubba Bidet.  Here you can relieve yourself, wash your backside, take a shower and water pick your teeth all in one sitting.

Exhibit #5

My final exhibit goes from deranged dysfunction to derailed.  Can you imagine a realtor having to sell you this? “I’d love to show you the lovely view from the patio.”  Uh, you first ma’am. The ad in the paper just read, “So close to the train station you can hear the engines roar.”

This blog is not only about my writing, but about the absurdities in our world.  As long as there are dysfunctional humans, we will have something to write about.

The Age of the Wuss

This sounds like a chapter from a fantasy adventure story, but it is actually a chapter out of modern history. Last night I died laughing, but was resurrected, by my male genetic code to survive this modern age, from watching comedian Don Friesen.  He’s now my favorite comedian because he has observed the modern wussy world and is making a living from it.  Here’s a sample.

All aboard the wuss train – wuss, wuss!  I refuse to ride that train with shaved chest, legs, arms and groin, carrying my little man purse and looking modern in my man Capri.  My daughter says that men like this are now called a hipster.

A hipster you say? If you go back to the 1970’s, my generation, they would have been called a wuss.  Sorry, I know it is not politically correct, but I’m not a politician.  It’s funny too, because when women post photos on Facebook or blogs you see something like the following photo below under a category called “Man Candy.”  Now he might be wearing a leather kilt, but also notice the salivating women bidding on this “man.”  How many of you ladies would bid on an Erkel or a Bieber?  That’s what I thought.

I graduated high school in 1977.  I was 6’1″ and 135 pounds.  I was not a man, I was a twig.  If I turned sideways you couldn’t see me.  I was the incredible disappearing twig wussy. See, I don’t even spare myself.  So I took off on a quest to leave wussyville behind me – forever. One year later I put on 50 pounds of muscle and BAM –  Quakers Instant Man!  My love life went from zero and dead on arrival, to hero and gone in sixty seconds.  I was going on a hunch that strong men survive the gene pool. The age of the wuss had ended.

So ladies help me out here, tell me what you are really thinking?  Here’s your choices – the sensitive, fashionable, video game addicted, completely shaven, hipster twig wuss of a man like slave substance, or

A real man with hair and muscle, ready to lay down his life and rescue you from evil.  With this hero, you’ll have to carry your own shopping bags.

I think I know the answer.

Yup, I was right the first time. The wuss train is leaving, the man candy wagon is boarding. ALL ABOARD!

Man up men!

Coffee Chaos – April 2013 Edition (Tax Deadline)

Coffee Chaos
The Monthly Journal

I am a CPA.  Today is April 5th and the 15th is nearing.  Tax season is chaos, but it would be a disaster if my Colombian Supremo coffee supply ran out.  I can only imagine the deductions I’d let people get away with if caffeine wasn’t flowing through my veins.  Here’s an actual list of tax benefits and deductions people have asked if they could claim:

1. Pets as dependents.  Yes dogs, cats, goldfish, squirrels and others are dependent on your goodwill and care, but the gods in Congress have written laws that prevent such deductions.  Although they have plenty deductions for their own pet projects.  He who writes the laws controls the laws.
2. Travel Motor Home.  I had a lady one time demand I write off 100% of her motor home for conventions she attended selling makeup.  I suggested she run for Congress. She has the same mindset as they do.
3. Bass Boats and Lap Dances.  You see, Bubbas entertain Bubba clients on Bubba Bass boats (wink wink).  They also want to deduct the booze and the lap dances from Lola Arlene’s House of Pleasure.  I believe these ex-clients are also members of Congress.
4.  Home Office.  I had one client who wanted to deduct all the expenses of her home for watching a friends child.  Just one child. She was paid for the service, but claiming an 80″ HDTV as a office expense seemed a little excessive. What do you think?
5. Breast Pump.  The mother of the child above also wanted to deduct her breast pump as a childcare expense.

I could go on and on, but this truly isn’t news to any of you.  You probably already know someone who qualifies for the Earned Income Credit and drives a BMW M6 convertible and has enough bling on them to compete with Zales jewelers.

My point is that the income tax systems (Federal and State) requires I stay on my toes, with eyes wide open.  Therefore my deduction of my Colombian Supremo bean supply, commercial grinder and brewer are an immediate and necessary business expense.  Now if I could just find a way to deduct my wine and cellar maintenance expense.

Happy tax season taxpayers and fellow CPA’s. This is my 28th survival season. As for members of congress and politicians everywhere, may someone slip you a decaf.  That’s coffee chaos I’d love to watch on C-SPASTIC.